So here's mine; I've deleted my twitter too. At the moment I've only got facebook.
Oh no I'm not retreating into my tempurung.
I think I need to try something new.
EOY celebration!
1 day ago
So here's mine; I've deleted my twitter too. At the moment I've only got facebook.
Oh no I'm not retreating into my tempurung.
I think I need to try something new.
To delete my facebook. My twitter. My blog. Everything and anything that could keep me updated. Connected.
Have you felt it?
The painful constrictedness of the heart like someone holding tight.
Where you wonder at the everyday things. You marvel at the unbelievable daring of a person. Their lack of thought for you when they're only 3 minutes away from your own.
Do you know why?
I do.
You might too.
But we wont speak of it wont we?
I hadn't slept the whole day since Wednesday worrying about my results.I took a nap today so I wouldn't look too much like a zombie when we went to break our fast at some banana leaf restaurant.
Believe it or not, my remedy has been my Harry Potter books (book 3 is still my favourite - anything Remus or Sirius and I'm totally interested).
It isn't the best of grades in the history of grades but boy am I glad to be done with UOL.
My parents were so happy...it somewhat made me feel like I haven't given them enough. Like I've cheated them with a meager return for all that they've sacrificed for me.
I thought about this for a bit and as accurate as it may have sounded in my head for the few seconds I watched them both chatter excitedly, I feel that sometimes, when it's all over and done and we may not have done as well as we would have liked and yet there are those who still feel great joy for us, we try our very best to negate the happiness. We - I - see that maybe if I'd done a little better I'd deserve that kind of celebration.
How ungrateful I'd be if I had allowed my swirling thoughts to settle like that.
I've got an Honours. It's not a general degree too so there's a lot to be thankful for. It feels good to have done well for a subject I dislike.
Daddy once said that to score at what you don't like is truly something.
For that alone I am happy.
Today for the first time I saw my dad look as restless as I do. Similar yet different in that his manerisms involved less movement then mine. I dared not ask what bothered him. If we're anything alike, we'd not like to be asked but we'd expect to be understood by some invisible powers of the mind...which of course doesn't happen in the real world.I wanted to ask him. Get some assurance. But I'm too scared to. I know the answer but I detest the reaction.
I finished reading Plath's The Bell Jar. I am not as affected as I thought I would be.
Could be because I've never entertained suicidal thoughts nor has my mind ever worked the way Esther Greenwood's does. It reminded me a bit of Holden Caulfield.
I felt a familiar form of indecision on how I would live my life. My almost neurotic battle between what I must and what I want both just about as unclear as the other.
Sometimes I wonder if life truly must be this difficult.
Daddy said, life isn't easy girl. As you grow older it gets harder and harder.
You can't always do what you want. Life doesn't work that way. Sometimes you gotta do things you don't like too.
The voice in my head screams in frustration, in annoyance; I'm powerless and indecisive.
Maybe it's just this:
I haven't had my share yet.
The cut out portion of misery granted upon each of us.
You know, a couple of days back, I read the whole of sura Yusuf. The most striking lesson in Prophet Yusuf's journey is his ability to see the positive in everything. He never lost hope nor did he see people as evil no matter what they did to him.
I'd curl up under my blanket and stay there for days if I were him.
I've never really done that. Have complete conviction in the things I do.
It's something I consider only after I've crossed my bridge and burned it.
It seems futile to think in inspiring ways when exams are over and all that awaits is the hope that I've done ok.
I remember clearly too, he said that no good deed goes unrewarded (actually God may have said that...).
It's a simple bit of a reminder I suppose but somehow since that night it sounds like the most important thing I'd hear yet.
And maybe it is.
I should be working my ass off for a new set of thought patterns.
I love this feeling of having learned something so effortlessly from things I tend to lose myself in.
It could be that I'm very much at peace because it's 4.30 in the morning...
There are many things I've been thinking about. I was so very sure of what I don't want to do. I still am but I'm less clear on why. I don't have a clue as to what ICSA (some chartered secretary course) would have in store for me, but it doesn't look so bad anymore.
I've realised something very precious. I've been on a leave-me-alone status on msn for a while. It was a pleasant surprise when one person shared an opinion on the video response to this.
The fact that you PM-ed me despite my unfriendly 'broadcast' means you know me well enough to understand that I never meant to be left alone (then I wouldn't be online at all kan...) and that I would enjoy an exchange of thoughts. Haha it might not have crossed your mind at all I suppose, but see, now you know.
I love exchanging opinions like that. And as self-centered as this may sound, I love discussing things I'm passionate about, things without a one right answer, where it's open to different interpretations.
I have been sleeping late. Getting less sleep. I wondered if Daddy was furious with me. There was one night when I was watching TV and he was heading up for bed, and he didn't say a word when he went. Every night, I would feel a certain dread when he told me to "lock up and set the alarm". He said it with a tired voice each time he did.
But you know, I realised that what mattered was that he said it. Because that night, I felt empty.
I remembered in Harry Potter, how Dumbledore said that even though Harry was treated with such hostility by his aunt, uncle and cousin, it is still better than being ignored completely...the latter denies your very existence...
I'm so dramatic aren't I?
I couldn't help it though. I'm one of those kids starved for attention...it's not like I'm not getting any, but it's just that I don't think I'm doing anything worthy of it at the moment...
I was so down the next day....
then night came, and this time, I dunno maybe God had a bit of a laugh throughout the day, but we actually talked a bit in the kitchen before he headed upstairs for bed. I said something really silly and made him laugh. We even managed a proper exchange of 'goodnight'.
Aah....you should've seen me then. I was practically skipping in the kitchen...I'm still such a child...
Last night,
I walked into the credit shop happily declaring "Hi! can I have 10...eh wait......aaha ha ha I mean TWO 10 ringgit top ups for hotlink..." ...the guy was laughing saying "it's ok, it's ok"...aiya I could've slammed my head against the counter....
Well nothing gross like a fingernail or some loose skin or anything of the sort.
More like representations of what I was feeling at that moment. A particular song within a compilation on a CD, symbols, papers within papers. Then again sometimes a wrap is just a wrap...
There is a sense of having accomplished something without anyone knowing...and a sad acceptance that they'd probably never find out.
So why do it?
ooh whoopsie I just rolled onto Shea
I'm not sure, it just feels good. One day if you do find it, I think we'd both feel awesome.
funnier in retrospect
I am
-
Ameera
and I often contradict myself.
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